I have always hated the numbers associated with aging.

I was fine with 18 and 21 and happily accepted them as a rite of passage.

Into adulthood. It’s the big milestones after those that have been an issue for me. The numbers really bother me!

Turning 30

I remember turning 30. We were living in Cairns and my birthday coincided with a large radio party that was on that night (loved my time working in radio). I had been struggling with the fact I was turning 30. OMG how was it possible as I didn’t feel like I had achieved much in that time.

I told hubby I didn’t want to celebrate it. I was going to pretend it wasn’t happening. No, I didn’t want presents. I was not acknowledging it. And Shayne took me literally and I didn’t get so much as a birthday card. Well he has never heard the end of that one!!! He didn’t think he’d done anything wrong as he was carrying out my specific wishes, right? 

Side note: blokes if your wife says she doesn’t want presents, ignore her, she absolutely does. Whilst I didn’t want to acknowledge the number 30, I did still want the gifts (that is my love language).

But of course, I got through it unscathed and become acutely aware that yes, we get older and that is life. But it also feels like society has an expectation around what you should have achieved in life by that age and I think that is where I felt the most pressure. I wasn’t as far along in my career as I imagined I would be. I didn’t have the house of my dreams or a bunch of money in the bank so I felt like an under achiever. I think that has played a big part in all the big milestone birthdays. It didn’t look like I pictured it in my head.

Turning 40

I didn’t want a big party but I’ll take any excuse to get to spend quality time with my friends. So I celebrated by going away with some girlfriends on a long weekend. A stretch pink Hummer delivered us to a beautiful apartment on the Sunshine Coast  for 2 nights. I just wanted to be away and it wasn’t about the number, merely an excuse for an extra special celebration with my gals.

I had recently burnt out from running my online shoe store and was figuring out what to do next. I was in a job I hated and one I experienced being sexually harassed for the first and only time in my career so yet again I felt like I hadn’t done enough.

Turning 50

50 was a major shock from the numbers perspective. I couldn’t fathom that I was actually 50. I didn’t look it, feel it, or act it. Surely someone got the dates wrong.

I celebrated with a series of small lunches and catch ups with friends & family. Not once did I mention my age or put it on a birthday cake. (although my birthday cake was amazing).

In my 50’s, I feel the most confident I have ever. I know who I am and what I am about. I don’t give a crap what anything else thinks of me. I am doing what I love everyday and I feel truly blessed.

I am trying to come to terms with the numbers as they go up. One day I might embrace them with love and joy. I know I am lucky to make it this far. The Freaking Out at 50 project is a big part of my therapy as talking about this, helps me to not feel alone in this journey and feel heard.

I’d love to hear about your experiences with these numbers? Did you embrace them or hate them?