Who Am I Now?

I have recently discovered that I am going through a midlife identity crisis.

I thought it was just the M word that was making me feel like I was but as I thought more about it, I knew it was so much more than that. After all, menopause is just one part of the aging journey for us woman.

As a childfree woman by choice, I have never worried about the impacts a child had on my body. In fact, I still look pretty darn good and these boobs will always be high and perky (helps that they are itty bitty too). I have never had to worry about empty nest syndrome as my nest has always been filled with hubby and dogs. I have don’t have to worry about school fees, being able to pay for someone wedding and worrying about my adult kids suddenly moving back home.

I really am lucky and live a great life, one I have designed to be like I want.

 

So, what makes me feel like I am going through some sort of mid life identity crisis? 

There has been a lot of changes over the past 12-18 months.

 

Changes in business focus

The menopause stuff aside, I have made significant changes to my career and how I am spending my time. I have been running a marketing consultant business for 10 years and a dog sitting business for several years also. They compliment each other as working from home I can on my laptop surrounded by lots of four-legged love.

Over 12 months ago, I decided I wanted to put more time and emphasis on 3 Spoilt Dogs. I quit a networking event I went to every week in order to be available for more doggy daycare clients, I minimized events and meetings, and there are often days I don’t leave the house. This used to be a rare occurrence and it is becoming the norm more and more.

You see my days were always super busy. From going to F45 early in the morning, to starting my days in a rush, heading to meetings, being frantic most of the day, and always hustling and ON. That was normal for me!

Now my days are slower, they are more relaxed, there is much more focus on balance, I have a long lunch break, and finish early. I jump between client work and cleaning dog bowls and giving treats so the lines are constantly blurred. No more frantic days. No more rushing…

This has been a big shift for me, as I have always defined myself by my career and business. It is who I am right? Well it was how I used to identify…

The shift in business focus means I am in a different place to many other business owners. I know business owners who are going from 4am in the morning to early evening without thinking about it. But I didn’t want that kind of life anymore.

Let me now share my days before and after so you can see the changes I am referring to:

Before

Alarm set for 4.45am

Off to my f45 class

Home, shower, hair, make up.. the works

Breakfast and feed the dogs

Client calls

Client work

Lunch meeting

Client work

Personal marketing / writing (business stuff)

Hubby home from work 3-3.30

Short chat break

Back at my desk doing more work

Sometimes a webinar or Zoom call

Wine time and then dinner

Now

Alarm set for 5.30/6am (the early starts at getting much  harder)

Let the dogs outside

Workout at home (most mornings)

Clean water bowls and any dog mess

Shower and get ready for the day

Feed dogs / Clean bowls

Greet doggy day care guests

Answer emails

Client work

Clean dog bowls

Treats for dogs

Lunch prep and dog playtime

Client work

Hubby home 2.30/3pm

Stop work to chat

Run errands

Answer emails

Say goodbye to doggy daycare guests

Wine time

Dinner prep for dogs

Feed dogs / wash bowls

Have dinner

Netflix and chill

You can see the shift clearly and although I wanted it and love it, it is taking some getting used to as I refocus my energies to other things.

 

What else is making wonder who I am?

Losing my toned body

In the scheme of things many would say I still look toned and in pretty darn good shape for my age however I can see the difference in my skin and muscles daily and it’s not something that can be reversed (unfortunately). And apart from diet and exercise I refuse to be one of the plastic women who think botox and fillers make them look good and younger (it doesn’t).

As part of this, I have been exploring gentler & different ways to exercise as I have learnt that 45 minutes of cardio is no longer the best thing for me. So I am walking on my treadmill, lifting weights and doing the occasional reformer pilates class. I often do short stints of exercise where I might do 30 pushups or squats while waiting for something. I am considering some other stuff but this swing has been felt, in both mind & body.

 
Losing my mind

Speaking of mind, I hope I still have mine LOL

Yeh, this brain fog is making me feel like I am losing my mind. I am forgetting names, places, stuff I had to (lists are my best friend) and anyone that is going through it knows, that it makes your question your own sanity. I ask myself daily, “Am I losing it?”

What happened to this super sharp brain I once had? I lose track of the amount of times a day I wonder what I was in the middle of doing, have I seen this show before, or did send that email? It is disconcerting to say the least. 

 

Doing stuff that is outside my normal

Now you might need to sit down to read this. Anyone that knows me is aware that I do not cook, sew, garden, or do much domestic stuff. I always thought it was not part of my DNA. However last year, I started my food and treats for the dog (note not for hubby). I relearnt to knit and made a blanket in memory of my mum who loved to knit and can no longer do it herself.

I am about to attempt to make mums’ home-made scones & biscuits (which I have never done) and I am knitting a scarf to take on a trip to Hobart. I am also looking for someone to give me basic sewing machine lessons so I can make super simple things like dog coats. I told you that would need to sit down.  I am wondering why I feel the need to do these things and I will be exploring this more over time.

 

Then there is the other mid-life stuff

I haven’t bought a nice red sports car, although I wouldn’t say no to one. But I have recently gotten two more tattoos (small and discreet) and another ear piercing. As I mentioned to my dear hubby when I got this done “this is part of my mid life crisis.” His response was, “Yes, I know.” But hey, I didn’t spend a fortune and they are minor things that I don’t regret.

 

So all this stuff that has added up to make me feel like I am going through a midlife identity crisis. It’s impacting my thoughts, my actions, how I spend my time, what I focus on and how I feel about myself.

Please tell me I am not alone in seeing changes like this in life? I am hoping that it is something that women ‘our age’ go through. I never hear anyone talk about it, which is why it feels lonely and insular, like I am the only one feeling like this.

We need to talk more about this stuff and I am hoping Freaking Out at 50 can start more of these conversations between us all.